To Break the Spell: The Uncut Fairy Tale
by DarkFlameOfTheMonkey
Summary: This is the story of the enchantress who put on too much make-up. This is about the talking rose, of the servant boy with a full bladder. This is what really happened that winter night. Learn to fear the Spiderwagon and this fairy tale...uncut. Oneshot R


**A/N: Hi! You've probably never seen me around in this fandom before. But I have been around reading a lot, because Beauty and the Beast is my favourite Disney movie out of them all! In truth I've been getting fanfiction ideas about Beauty and the Beast since I was four, but I didn't know what they were or what to call them back then. It's a lovely story to play around with, and play like the four year old me I did. Well, getting a move on: hope you enjoy the fic!**

**Disclaimer: If I had produced Beauty and the Beast, I would be writing paychecks from beyond the womb. Now that would be creepy, wouldn't it? I don't own anything else you see in here either, shame about that. But if I had strictly kept this story BatB, it wouldn't have been as funny...**

To Break the Spell: The Uncut Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle.

It was a cold winter night when it happened. Frankly, it was the dumbest situation ever. I mean, what kind of witless ninny would try to curse someone, urgently deserving or not, in the winter season? Pure idiocy!

...an old beggar woman came to the castle.

Cogsworth turned to Lumiere as the Prince opened the great doors. "Hmm. Why would the Master get up and do something like that?"

"He had coffee this morning." Lumiere replied. "What I don't understand is what an octogenarian would be doing up on the castle property at night trying to sell flowers." he said as he caught sight of their visitor.

...and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold.

Cogsworth shrugged, his heavy coat crumpling around his shoulders. "It's a better deal than those florists that ask for 5 francs."

The prince sneered at the gift, and turned the old woman away...

Even after being presented with this cheap deal, the servants heard their master scoff, as the woman waited and the wind blew outside.

But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within.

"I've got a friend that gives apples for free too." they heard her say.

And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away...

The beggar turned up her head at the interior of the castle foyer. "Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?" she asked. The woman looked down to see parts of her skin in a puddle around her feet. "Darnit!" she muttered. "Uh, sorry folks, this could take a while." she announced. "Feel free to chat amongst yourselves, won't be a moment." The woman stretched her back, wincing as she heard the bones crack.

"I'm melting, I'm melting! Melting!" she cried. "Melting... Sorry." She grinned, crooked teeth poking over her lips. "Couldn't resist. Classic witch's wail, that. I'm melting! Melting- Right. Sorry." Drops of flesh dripped down her cheeks as she spoke.

Chip, the little servant boy, doubled over, clutching his stomach. "Eew! That's horrible."

His mother yanked on his shoulder. "Chip! That's not polite. For all we know she's an enchantress about to curse someone."

The beggar winked. "Spot on ma'am. Listen to your mama, kiddo. I drove a man insane once by making him fall in love. The girl committed suicide too." She cracked her knuckles, sending splatters of her hands onto the floor.

"Can I poke you?" Chip asked excitedly, leaning forward to get a closer look of their strange guest.

The enchantress shrugged. "Meh. Knock yourself out, kid."

The little boy scrambled forward and started to repeatedly poke the melting lady with his index finger, eyes wide in wonder.

"Okay, that's enough for now." she said after a time. "Listen, would you mind terribly if I used your bathroom?"

The master of the castle did not answer, for the spoiled prince was in the corner, vomiting half-digested chicken into a wooden bucket.

"Wuss." Lumiere muttered. He smiled and extended his arms. "Ze wuss would be happy to let you, mademoiselle."

The enchantress nodded quickly and hurried off, leaving a shining trail of liquid ugly behind her on the marble.

"Well, that melting part was a bit unexpected." Mrs Potts mumbled as the occupants of the room fell silent except for the Master's faint moans.

Fifteen minutes later the enchantress woman emerged, nearly blinding everyone as she stepped into the room, all clean of ugliness. "Alright, is everybody here? Great, now we can get started."

Chip put up his hand. "I need to go to the toilet."

The enchantress waved her hand at him and fortunately, didn't turn Chip into a toad, rodent or an insect. "Hurry up. Anyone else?"

About a dozen other people in the room motioned in one way or another that they would need some time, the young prince of the castle included. Their visitor sighed, tossing her gold hair, which was truly 20 carat gold, over her shoulder impatiently.

"I'll just wait then." she said, sitting down on a stair.

An hour passed before everyone was back in the foyer where the small knock on the door had first been heard.

The enchantress slapped her wand into her hand, surveying the assembly in front of her. "Alright then, let's cut the formal crap. I'm late, I have to go and pick up my sister. She's crashing the party of some newborn princess born at dawn or something equally pathetic. You there, princey boy."

She had seen that there was no love in his heart...

...the rose she had offered was truly and enchanted rose, which would bloom until his twenty-first year...

...if he could learn to love another and earned her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken...

"Here's the rose. You can tie a ribbon on it, stick in it a vase or something, I don't care. Don't try the fertiliser and seaweed solution trick, it won't work, bub. You've got a while anyway. Oh, but it does some great stand up jokes. Don't look so surprised, all of you, of course it can talk! I'm a supernatural being, remember?" The enchantress rolled her eyes, looking as if creating talking flowers was natural for everyone, not just her.

"Hey there, sweet stuff." a new voice said. "You have some free time later?"

"Oh, keep your perverted pollen to yourself." the enchantress snapped. The rose shrank a little, going quiet.

"You'll come crawling back for me." it muttered.

The enchantress pulled out a piece of yellow paper and handed it to the prince, who was now very large and very hairy. "If you forget any of the details, this is a full description."

Having done satisfactorily everything she had planned, the enchantress strode over to the tall doors of the castle and turned to the crowd of servants that were now cupboards and desks. The coach driver, she thought it was, had been turned into a living coach. This was not disturbing in itself, but the fact that he was busy singing an odd song.

"Spiderwagon, spiderwagon! Does whatever a spiderwagon does..."

With a laugh, she looked at all of the household occupants, stopping briefly at the transformed prince. But the change wasn't necessarily for the better. He'd have to do a lot of work before he got better.

"Why so silent, good messieurs?" the enchantress said in a sing-song voice. Raising her hand to wave, she cried, "Smell ya later!" And then there was a mushroom cloud of rainbow dust, and she was gone.

The Beast looked down at the sheet of paper in his paws. On the bottom left hand corner, the enchantress had signed the spell with the words:

Tough luck. I'm so sorry about- EAT THINE SHORTS, KID!

"Damn it all." the Beast growled. "I'm breaking this spell, I'm sure of that. Physically." The Beast took the paper in both his hands and tried to tear it in half. What stopped his bestial strength and power? Was it the enchantress's cruel magic? Bewitched parchment? Why, _no..._

"God curse whatever time-travelling sicko would bring laminated paper to the seventeen hundreds!"

**Well, that's it then. I shall wave my magic wand, and you are to review!** **Yes, I have one. It's plastic and shiny and...broken. Well, R&R!**


End file.
